30 Days have September
by Bat-teen 28
Summary: Jester is stuck in Arkham and it's a holiday. Unfortunately she is in a cell opposite Julian Day aka Calendar man. What could happen between these two in a year? has some twisted humour in it.


30 Days have September….

Jester sat in her cell swinging her legs as they rested over the side of her bed.

Arkham was boring. Very boring.

"_Time in minute's slips away. First the hour then the day. Small the daily loss appears, till it soon amounts to years."_

Jester blinked a couple of times, then she walked up to the glass wall of her cell and looked across from her cell to the one opposite her.

Jester raised an eyebrow. "Shouldn't you be out there, Julian? I mean isn't it a special date or something?"

Julian Day aka Calendar man looked up. "Do you know what day it is today Jester?"

Jester shook her head.

Calendar man smiled. "Today is Labour day. A day where everyone goes back to work and school. A day of labour as the name suggests."

Jester stared at him. "Like I said, shouldn't you be out there?" she asked as she pointed outside.

Julian tilted his head a little. "I remember one Labour day, that stands out from the rest, because it means something to you as well."

Jester tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. "Does it?"

Calendar man nodded. "It was on this day that you, Jester, were first brought into the asylum. I remember that day well. The guards dragging you down the hall way as you, kicked and screamed and laughed. The occasional joke popping in here and there. You were most certainly doing the day justice, giving those guards a hard time, with your kick and screams. Oh, they had to labour hard on that day. The whole asylum did. You were, and still are I believe, a unique case of mental disorder. The doctors don't know how to treat you. On that Labour day I didn't do anything because, well, you were doing it for me. Like I said that was a special day for both of us. Special for you because, like I said, your first time in Arkham. Special for me because, I didn't do anything, willingly."

Jester stared at him and Julian walked back to his bed and sat down. "30 day's have September, April, June and November. All the rest have 31 come rain or shine. Except for February which has 28 but on leap year, 29."

"Happy Halloween, Jester." said Julian from across the hall.

Jester looked up. "Happy Halloween, Julian."

Julian smiled and leaned back on his bed. "I remember that one Halloween, when Conundrum first joined our merry band. She fitted in very well. Funny how she should meet her uncle, the day after his birthday.

Of course, she didn't know that they were related at the time and they didn't realise they were until All Hallows Eve. The day you first met her, you showed her what fun she could have if she became a villain.

Halloween doesn't exist here, because the monsters are on show all year round. It seems rather fitting then ,that, a new monster should join us, on the day everyone dresses as monsters."

Jester stared at him. "How do you know that Edward's birthday is-"

"October 29th? Well, little Jester, I'm not called Calendar man for nothing."

"Ahh, Thanksgiving. A loverly time. But, for some reason, I'm always alone in November." said Calendar man.

Jester sighed and looked at him. She really needed to escape, and soon. Otherwise, she would be recitting dates as well.

"Why do we have Thanksgiving? I mean what do we have to be thankful for?" muttered Jester. She turned to Julian and asked. "Why are you always alone in November?"

Calendar man smiled. "Well, you see, the last Thanksgiving dinner I went to, it was a killer. Unfortunately, Mom and Dad discovered this a little bit to late. Of course I didn't know who's Mom or Dad they were, but the Mother, was an excellent cook. The food she made was to die for. Unfortunately, they did."

Jester's eyes went wide as she realised the outcome of the event.

Calendar man chuckled. "Like I said, I'm always alone in November."

Jester shivered as the cold December air blew into the Asylum.

"Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was sturing not even a mouse."

Jester turned to Julian ,who was saying the old poem, but with a certain edge to it.

"I have a bad feeling about this." she muttered to herself.

"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in the hope that St Nicolas soon would be there.

No children were asleep in their beds, because this house they had already left.

The husband and wife awoke with a fright, they didn't know there life would end on this night."

Okay now Jester really didn't like where this was going.

Julian looked up at her and smiled. "I don't think I'll repeat the next few verses you're too young."

Jester swallowed. "On Christmas day the red man comes."

"A bloody x marks the spot." said Julian smiling.

Jester went wide eyed then she turned away and muttered. "Note to self. Never spend Christmas eve with Calendar man again."

"Do you remember old judge Harkness?" asked Calendar man.

Jester turned to him. "I remember what you did to him on Christmas day."

Julian smiled and chuckled. "Oh yes, that was fun."

Jester rolled her eyes at him.

"I enjoyed last year's Christmas, here in Arkham, Jester. You got every one into the Christmas spirit. Even enabled us to escape. I didn't make it out, unfortunately, I had some, er… business to attend to."

"If business is what you could call it, Julian." snapped Jester.

"What would you call it?" asked Calendar man.

"You almost turned the dinner lady into stuffing!" cried Jester.

Calendar man chuckled. "I almost did and I would've done if that guard hadn't gotten there. Still there's alway's next year."

"Boxing day. A unique day indeed. You must admit that last year's boxing day was my most inspired. When I planted a bomb under the Gotham Boxing arena."

Jester turned to him and Julian smiled. "I don't have to admit anything." she snapped.

"You should've seen the look on their faces, when I pressed the button. I liked the year before that as well. When I buried those idiots alive. Batman saved them, but I liked it all the same."

Jester frowned. "I don't get it."

"Well jester, they put you in a little box and cover you over with dirt and rocks." laughed Julian.

Jester shuddered. "Okay now I get it, but I really wish I didn't."

"Happy new year Jester!" cried Julian.

Jester turned her head and raised an eyebrow.

"Err… happy new year Julian."

Julian smiled. "Ahh, a new year means a new start right?"

Jester nodded.

"So why don't we both tell our holiday stories? That would be fun." said Julian smiling.

Jester swallowed. "I'm not to sure if I…."

"Oh come on Jester. It will be fun." said Julian.

"Valentines day. A day of love and affection." said Julian.

Jester glanced at him. "I don't like Valentines day." she said.

Julian tilted his head a little. "And why is that?"

Jester glared at him. "That's none of your business!" she snapped.

Calendar man shrugged. "I wonder if Mist will get Puzzler's gift from Edward to day? Oh, well I guess we'll find out soon enough."

Jester narrowed her eyes at him. "It is a gift that is actually from Edward and not from you!?"

Julian shook his head. "I do not steal other rogue's girls. Besides, Puzzler has a present to give to Edward so killing Mist is just a stupid idea. Because then ,Puzzler won't be able to give Edward his present and it did take Mist such a long time to find it."

Jester starred at Julian. "I'm sorry could you go through that one more time?" she asked.

Julian chuckled. "Sorry Jester I never repeat my self. Happy Valentines day."

"St Patricks day. The day the snakes were drove out of Ireland, by the holy man himself." said Julian.

Jester giggled. "Funny thing about green snakes ,Julian, they look a lot like plants when they lay still. It was fitting then, that my boss let a plaigue of green snakes out on Gotham City on this perticular day. In the end Batman had to drive the snakes out of Gotham. Just like St Patrick did in Ireland. So maybe we should change the day from St Patricks day to St batman's day?" Jester started giggling. "I'll drink to that."

She then started to laugh hisstericualy but stopped quite quickly when she realised the dreadful truth.

Julian's insanity and love of dates was passing on to her.

Calendar man smiled. "It's so nice to have someone who can also apricate how important dates are."

"Happy Mothers day Jester." said Calendar man.

Jester was silent.

"Do you have a mother somewhere? Someone you could share this date with?" asked Julian.

Jester sighed. "M is for the murderous look she gave you. O meant she was only weak and old. T is for her tears as she protected us. H is for her heart that you now hold. E is for her eyes swiftly dimming. R is for rot and rotting she is. S is for her screams as she hid us. D is for her death that came too soon. A is for the anger that sits in my heart. Y is for the yells and screams that haunt that street. Put them together and they spell MOTHERS DAY. A day that means only death to me."

Julian tilted his head. "Was that your mother's death you were talking about?"

"Yes."

"Funny. It sounds like one of mine." said Calendar man.

Jester turned to him, her eyes narrowed. "That's because you killed her."

Calendar man was silent for a moment. "I liked you poem, Jester. Good night."

"April Fools day. It's funny how we celebrate this day of fools. I wonder who will be the fool today?" mused Julian.

Jester smiled. "I like April Fools day. I play pranks on the Arkham staff if I'm locked up. Usually on Cash, because He's easy going and he says that the pranks aren't dangerous so he doesn't get angry with me. The warden on the other hand hates them. I swear that guy has no sense of humour."

Calendar man smiled. "Have you done anything this year?"

Jester grinned. "Of coarse I have. I don't slack Julian. Any way what about you? Have you done any thing?"

"No little Jester. Sadly I haven't. But I did do one last year. That was so much fun. There was this man that said April Fools day was a stupid date to celebrate. Why celebrate being idiots? was what he said.

I was determined to show him why, so I watched him row weeks up until April the first. I sat in my hideout and watched as he tried to turn his car engine off. He looked very surprised when the car fumes began to enter the car and he couldn't role the windows down. But I had learn't from last time to put a speaker in the car so he could hear me shout, 'surprise'. I must admit I did love that day of fools."

Jester smiled. "I like that one too."

"Ahh, Whit sunday. You must ware only white on this day, little Jester. I remember that one time I saw someone who wasn't wearing white on this day. So I decided to tell them they had to. I made them put on a white shirt and a pair of white trousers. But unfortunately they began to scream and I'm sad to say that by the time I was done with them, their clothes were very, very red." said Julian.

Jester shuddered a little. "That's one way to celebrate Whit Sunday."

"Father's day. A day where Fathers around the world get gifts from their ospring." whispered Julian.

"I've never have given my real Dad a gift. Now I just give Jonathan something because he's really the only father figure I have now."

"You should go fishing with him, then. It's so much fun fishing with your Dad. I know I had fun. My Dad did. Well, I think he did. He was baiting the hooks you see?"

"Oh really, what bait did you use?" asked Jester smiling.

"Oh an eye, a toe, a foot. What ever I had left of him. Now whenever I have a nice piece of fish. I always feel closer to my dear old Dad."

Jester stared at Julian. "If it's all the same to you Julian. I might do something else with Jonathan."

"Independence day. I love this day. The one time I can celebrate independence. My independence." hissed Julian.

Jester stared at him. "Do you remember the time the Joker and Firefly teamed up and made the rockets for the Gotham 4th of July celebrations?" asked Jester.

"Yes, yes I do. It was a very spectacular sight. The way the fireworks didn't stop burning even when they burst. As the cascading fire surged down to the city and began to burn people alive and destroy buildings.

It was brilliant." said Julian.

Jester smiled. "They got really beaten for that. But what's the 4th of July without a barbecue?"

"Ahh, the day of saint Roach. Pantrent saint of Dogs." muttered Calendar man.

"I remember the day you let out all those dogs, with that rabid bite of their's." said Jester smiling.

"It was a very good day." said Calendar man. "Of course Batman managed to stop them, but not without a few deaths."

"How many dogs did you let out, Julian?" asked Jester.

"Oh, a few hundreds. But what better way to celebrate the 'Dog days of summer'?" said Julian as he started laughing.

"Julian, happy Labour day." said Jester grinning.

No answer.

"Julian? Julian are you there?" asked Jester as she looked over at his cell. It was empty.

"Calendar man's escaped!" cried a guard as a group of them ran down the corridor.

"Tell the police and hurry it's a holiday!" cried Cash.

"It is?" asked one of the guards.

"Yes it is." said Jester.

The guards turned to her and she smiled. "Today it's Labour day. A day of labour as the name suggests."

THE END.


End file.
